Heh. UP. These little tricks everyone is tossing out are gross and insulting. More independence to pursue a project? Movies you love to watch together and analyze? Followed by, if necessary, STOP TALKING. Lets not talk about the past, you took sometime off to focus on the future - what do you want that to look like? and let her vent about whatever the worst thing was. LW should absolutely set some limits for himself. Stick to what *your* boundaries are. It is no accident that chatterbox is only a term of endearment when applied to children; among grown-ups a conversation is, or should be, a. We could talk about work as much as we wanted until the timer went off, but then no more work talk. They dont need the partner to try to fix things. My husband asks me sometimes to talk about it less and Im not offended. One major indicator of love is when you think about someone even when theyre not around. I would get sick of the same complaints over and over again too. Are you putting hours in to doing X for the two of you, when she would actually prefer you do Y? I know that it can be annoying after a while but his play-by-play 30-min daily recap is your husband's way of sharing his excitement about his new job. This comment is gold. It also helped me clarify my thoughts on what was really bothering me, and whether it was actionable, and whether I wanted to take the action. Privacy Policy and Affiliate Disclosures, my boss is having an affair with a coworker and I found out from his wife, I'm supposed to fire my husband's ex-wife, update: the mom quitting her job because of Covid, https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/02/adult-stepdaughter-naked-in-front-of-father-dear-prudence-advice.html, https://captainawkward.com/2019/11/26/it-came-from-the-search-terms-cold-november-wind/, my good employee is angry about my bad employee, boss insists I get my tonsils out, and more, updates: the coworkers who asks what my clothes cost, the sleeping boss, and more, updates: the bigoted university, the catfishing, and more, updates: boss wants me to be upbeat all the time, the bathroom monitor, and more, update: my new coworker keeps staring at my breasts. Remember all the little things your wife used to do for you? Ive worked on getting better at sitting with the anxiety that would fuel the ok lets fix this problem then urge when its not actually desired, because I do remember how when people do this to me, its quite frustrating and unsatisfying. Good luck!! He lovingly pointed these things out to me, and after talking it through, I figured out what I was looking for in a new job, what my non-negotiables are, and started looking. Definitely worth asking, why is she still in this job, or why does she feel unable to quit. Approach the topic with kindness, set some boundaries, and see if your partner needs a new job or would consider therapy. He's very needy for a 21 year old. I agree it could be really helpful for the OP! Its not gonna be her boss and its not gonna be her customers. Im definitely the complainer in my relationship, and it is important to be conscientious of the recipient of that. New situationspartner gets full background It gets a little unnerving because you can plainly see that the other person is ready to leave or go on to another thing, but he keeps talking. If this womans job is that bad, she needs a change. And that was not okay for me to do as a child so it felt so stressful as an adult! For a moment I thought my husband had written in. Second, we have a firm rule that only one of us is allowed to hate our job at any given time :) Look, we all go through stressful, annoying, difficult times in our jobs. This worked very well for us when we both were underpaid in toxic jobs and desperate for some relief. Or, if you are going to ask about work, try to ask first about positive things, that you know will be a more positive reaction. Its not ok. She needs to be able to self-soothe. For I have been conducting my own lengthy and probing research into the matter - watching Im A Celebrity . Web'The Grizzlie Truth' explores abrupt move by Vancouver's NBA team to Memphis. If youre seeing this symptom, as well as some of the others in this article, it doesnt necessarily mean that your marriage is over. How does that sound?, Copyright 2007 - 2022 Ask A Manager. By the time I got back home, I felt better and fooled my family into thinking I was extremely even-tempered. Im glad this worked for you, it sounds like you have a great relationship! How is this helpful to the OP? I overall agree with Alison here though, and thats how my partner has kind of, handled me about it, hah. In fact, children usually bring you closer together. It is imperative to your wife that she changes how something is working. Society advances one funeral at a time. So, here are your strategies going forward: * Be very, very blunt with like when you snapped at her. Tell me if Im going on for too long, if my complaining is making you feel miserable and I need to stop, but do not treat me like some kind of wayward child who needs to learn to look on the positive side. Best of luck to you both! It definitely helps me, and I think it helps them. When we are around her, he becomes just as negative. Putting a time limit will also hopefully help her to focus on her biggest gripe, not just a stream of complaining about any and every thing that went wrong. I'd let him know that although you are very proud of his accomplishment, you are human and do have your limits to how much information you can absorb. Ultimately she has to make the decision herself to get help but you should explain your boundaries clearly that this cannot continue. Yeah, Im team ten minutes, and NOT during dinner. This is not so much of an issue any more. I dont think LW soft-pedaled it I think they said it in a way that was either condescending/lectury or abstract/removed, as if it were a should. If that was the case, Alisons suggestion to incorporate their own vulnerability may well work! As soon as the next day, I could barely remember them. Finally he told me it was too much and he couldnt handle me dumping the same negative work chatter on him every day because it was dragging him down. She would be like Oh well he/shes gonna say this or do that, blah blah, essentially her mind was set. It can be an outlet for him without necessarily being an inlet for me, if that makes sense. My husband has asked me to dial back the complaints on several occasions. Then you can follow up with a coping question like, How did you manage to stay calm and to handle it so professionally? This diverts attention from the complaint to the complainers strengths and skills. They shoot you nasty looks and say questionably aggressive remarks about you, with just enough innocence that you really cant be sure whether they hate you or not. Exhibitionist & Voyeur 08/10/09: Sunbed Fun (4.42) Suprise show for a stranger. If I was told kindly that it was an issue for me, I would work to change. Mutual support group :). It can feel like I need to tread carefully, otherwise my good news gets ignored and all the bad stuff from their work comes out. After that, she avoid me. I was going to suggest the 10 minute time limit as well. Was she denied a promotion (directly or implied)? I wasnt going to say anything new I had known the bride and groom and their families since we were kids and there was no solution to be found. In your shoes, I would say look, I cant be your only outlet for complaints, its getting to be too hard on my mental health. Its one thing to diagnose a problem, its sooo much better when there are alternates proposed. My mother-in-law lives with us and to hear her litany of complaints, with no positive interactions is absolutely draining and I dread spending more than a couple of minutes with her. You feel jealous when you think you are going to lose a relationship you really value.. I know the feeling of the OP, and Im similarly at a loss about what to do about it. What interpret from this is that you need to medicate yourself to make living with your partner tolerable, and that makes me sad. We also have the typical Do you need a solution or just to complain? She needs a therapist, not a cashier. My husband has been griping for years about his job, yet has done absolutely nothing to move on from it in any way. If you dare to find joy in something, they smack it out of your hands and tell you how stupid it is, and how stupid you are for liking it. In fact, last summer, my husband one night said to me You complain about your job a lot. can I keep my company truck to screw over my company, fired for a Halloween costume, and more, updates: boss wants to talk to my doctor, taking a job where the CEO is a dick, and more, interviewer asked how low I was willing to go on salary, will almost-floor-length hair hold me back professionally, and more, updates: I was promised summer hours but its frowned upon to use them, and more, updates: the birthday drama, the company swag that doesnt fit, and more, updates: the teenager who wanted to quit, the coworker pushing food, and more, update: I sent my boss a long, angry email but I turned out to be wrong, share your funniest office holiday stories, a drama-filled affair, coworker marks most of her emails as highly important, and more, updates: coworker refuses to share their screen, a nasty Glassdoor review with my title, and more, updates: Im the only one in the office, the fake alma mater, and more. But thats another issue. I actually had to have this conversation with my partner a few years ago. Exhibitionist & Voyeur 09/10/22: Summer Bet (4.47) A naughty bet leads to hot encounters. Conversation was over. This is hard and I am sorry you are dealing with it. I really appreciate stuff like this it frees me from wondering if I should be doing something else. Otherwise we can get stuck in it all night. You dont work there anymore. ), and that compounded my unhappiness. Rather, you can say that it is affecting you in ways that the two of you are not accounting for and that you need her to understand the impact on you. Harsh, yes, but it was what I needed to make an emotional change within myself. I feel for you, OP, and 100% think that you sound like a caring and wonderful partner, and you dont deserve to feel overwhelmed by your partners problems. Ive done okay. And i hope you have coverage for this because i know how bad healthcare coverage is in America. You remember the romantic times youve had when you walk past a particular restaurant. That said, the OP shouldnt be the wifes only source of emotional support on this! Lastly, I think it may be a good idea for your wife to see a therapist to try and work on altering that negative mindset. A lot of people feel that venting is helpful, because they feel better in the short term. My spouse doesnt get overwhelmed with me, I get to catch up with a couple of close friends with our online happy hour, and get some venting out and done with! Shes trying to DESTROY YOU) and go on about my day. Someone professional to whom she can air her grievances, and who could offer her strategies for mitigating the stress and negativity. Nevertheless, there is a whale of a difference between judicious use of that facility and the babbling of fools tripping over their tongues too. I was the complainer several years ago. In general in my life I know Im EXTRA annoyed at people who do things that I make a point to avoid doing myself. Or, as someone else upthread suggested, have the wife make an offline journal of all these issues she wants to rant about, and go back and re-read them one day. Hes actively looking for a new job. If she doesnt feel like she can speak up at work, then again, it might be time for her to start looking for a new workplace. Finally, he changed jobs, and things are so much better for both of us now! If she is not happy in this job, she needs to figure out what needs to change in her job, or if she needs to ditch the whole job and get another. You cannot and should not force her to see a counsellor, but you should suggest it when you are explaining the facts of life. In fact, some couples even become closer when they finally get married. Maybe she needs a friend, a journal, a twitter account, a therapist, and/or a new job. She is an abomination. The other day, I was just sharing a cute little story and in the middle of it he just got up and walked away. Sometimes youve hit a wall and you really dont know what to do next. And we wont engage in any work talk unless its job hunting. Those of us in relationships have an opportunity to communicate with our partners, to find (and as need be, adjust) our balance in addressing our own needs and wants while also meeting our partners needs and wants. Experts reveal everything you need to know - from the hormone that causes hair loss to the over-the-counter pill that can help, Your taxpayer dollars at work: Latest Twitter Files reveal how FBI nudged firm to censor conservative who alleged electoral fraud - while staffers discussed punishing ex-Arkansas Gov. In the beginning I resented it, but then I started paying more attention to myself and realized I can complain about work for 4 hours straight. Like, I dont really bitch about my job in the same way, but if you count all the times hes listened to me talk my way through plot problems in whatever Im writing, it starts looking a lot more balanced. By the time he is done, the day is washed off of him and he is relaxed. Marriage, just like life, requires deliberate forethought and planning. Maybe you feel your participation at home is solid. Because she may be leaving you out of the equation as she has told her friends how she is really feeling about you. And that kind of unfixable situation occurs a lot more frequently than our society likes to admit, which makes me kind of sympathetic to complainers in general. We discussed earlier the reality that a wife who no longer loves her husband is a wife who will no longer sincerely apologize for anything. This may not be whats happening, and I mentioned this only because this happened with my wife and I, and it took a while for us to figure out the problem. Also if this is accessible to your family: therapy. I speak to my husband about work but on occasions I need to vent I ask if its okay with him, then cut myself off at ten minutes. Im with you on the listen or fix. Nope. For me, I used to complain a lot about one particular person in my job. OP, Im at the planning to make a change stage and resent that situations out of my control have made it necessary. Your advice is perfect, Allison. Im a venter and am taking what Im reading to heart. Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships, The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo, VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. Good luck to all of us. As Chris Rocks says, Women dont want you to talk TALK, they want you to listen-listen! I remember that every time my partner vents to me about his job. Don't make assumptions about what your partner is willing to say or listen to, and be open about what you want to achieve.". She can need someone to vent to, but that doesnt obligate you to be that person, every day, forever. I would suggest she find a therapist. Thats not good for our marriage, even though it might be what he wants in the moment. Hows married life overall? I know this might not work for everyone, but it really helps her decompress from work on the drive home, without taking up all of our dinner or evening with the ranting. My husband and I do the complaining while walking the dogs. (Venting and hinting are not always the same as communicating!) As Relate counsellor Mo Kurimbokus says: "If you aren't sharing what you do at work then what's left to share?". Its not easy to find a position that is is better fit, and its very scary, but it will improve everyones life. Ill add this: OPs wife would benefit from a therapist. Fights are normal in a relationship. She points out and highlights everything you do wrong, even things that other people would never even think about. It makes me miserable as well. Our marriage is better though, and I feel more sympathetic when he DOES share a complaint because its not so constant. WebText to 44202 (Msg&Data Rates May Apply). I have a friend who has complained about work for nine years! Brene Brown talks about common enemy friendships. Listen, for instance, to a man using that most hideously misused tool of our times, the mobile telephone. He started the conversation about me getting a new job. Any of these can be done together, and it doesnt have to take more than an hour. I agree with this, some people just complain constantly. about tips. Selftalkplus.com (there is a corresponding book to explain the science behind it). I find this to be true too. Its never been this intense in my marriage, but my husband and I have had to navigate some personality differences on thishes definitely more the type that sees complaining and venting as a commonplace way to bond and he thinks Im too robotic/Spock-like in my stance that I dont understand what the purpose is of dwelling on something negative that you cant change anyway. If she is unwilling to give you her attention at lunchtime or dinner time and simply wants to play with her phone, then something might be up. Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like when your wifes feelings for you have changed. This may not apply to you, but I want to share something else that has been helpful for me: when my partner complains, I have shifted to realizing that I need to allow her to feel the frustration, anger, hurt, or sadness (etc) without feeling like its a problem to solve because her problem is actually feeling *alone* in the feelings, not the feelings themself. it's getting stressful just to listen about it, if you want to keep these relationships up with coworkers that you're not going to see anymore, then great, but I don't want to hear about it anymore." It has to be here is my boundary, here is what I need, and then asking her what she needs and how he can meet it without the endpoint being right inside his boundaries. 3. Is she able to do that in other aspects of her life? My partner and I complain to one another while we walk the dog and typically, we naturally feel like stopping once we get back to the house and move on to do other things for the rest of the night. And venting every night is too much. but darn it woman, shut up about your terrible job that you had during the recession that paid you well and provided medical insurance for your family. Is it due to finances, location (e.g. However, no one likes to be the recipient of all of someones complaints, nor does anyone want all of their conversations with a real friend to be about complaints. Gah. I worked AND lived with my mother. A comment about me complaining is more apt to elicit a defensive response though so the wording is key, I think. I also love the suggestion to ask for something positive about the day as well, and for OP to get a chance to talk about their own day. Luckily, hes generally self-aware about it (the rest of the family is so oblivious to their negativity). Right now Im in a place of we can muscle through the next three months and then see which problems resolve themselves without school in the mix and which ones dont. Ninety years of Jim Crow. He needs to hit a punching bag. a work-free zone. Brad is the real deal when it comes to saving marriages. We have family with small kids that use 2 Goods and 1 Bad to talk about the day. When my friend tried to make a work-free time zone, conversation STOPPED. It was like a toxic relationship. And yes, if she is that unhappy, it might be time to explore other job options. Im not really sure theres much I CAN do and you KNOW Ive spent the last six weeks frantically trying to think of anything I can do to deal with the worst case scenario (which was unlikely, but also really bad if it did turn out to be the case). Im a venter married to a venter, so we have to be careful not to let it take over. You forgot that your wife has a life outside of being your wife; an entire person filled with thoughts and ideas and frustrations, but youve made zero effort to understand her outside of her wifely duties to you. She might be thinking of a future that doesnt include you. A partner who loves you will always do [their] best to truly support you in pursuing your dreams, Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert at Double Trust Dating,told Bustle. I would think something like this could help here a lot too. So as humans, it makes sense that hearing that there is potable water nearby would be comforting. She still does it to this day and people in he life have mentioned it to her but she still does it. Repeatedly. So put aside your judgment, and your feeling that your way is the better way and shes doing the wrong thing by complaining and focus on yourself. Its really easy to continue ranting once youve started, and not realize how long youve been going, because you keep yourself riled up. Have you thought about doing x? for example. Sometimes just listening helps. In our reviews, Hack Spirit highlights products and services that you might find interesting. I really do think that when your work affects your life so much that you have to rant to someone for hours every day, somethings wrong. Constant whining is a habit; people can decide to be different. :(. If I had any power in the situation, I would have had a meta-conversation about the dynamic and my limits, and recognized that both parties had conflicting needs, and forced a resolution that would meet both sets of needs. These kinds of things can be normal when its around that time of the month for her, but if its been happening for weeks then you might have an issue on your hands. The suggestion of having a Zoom/Facetime/However It Works meeting with friends or a therapist is something Ive used starting during the pandemic and holy crap it helps SO MUCH. Much like your wife, she doesnt want or need my advice, she just needs to feel heard and to get it all out ! I cannot be the primary caregiver of an infant and also offer you endless emotional support, and I feel that there has not been room in our marriage for me to share my feelings, and, I am burnt out, and This isnt good for me and it isnt good for our marriage and The only person who said anything nice to me was the clerk at the grocery store, thats not great. The whole process was deeply unpleasant. Its more assurance that she has no other obligations/nobody has other expectations of her during that time so she can use her full headspace on whatever she wants. Your wife probably doesnt even know why she cant stop talking rubbish but the moodier you get the more you pull away the MORE shell be chasing you around talking at you. Complaints are interspersed with a funny thing happened at work. But having that decompression time between work and relaxation time helps ensure work doesnt crash the relaxation party, ha. I think its pretty unfair for a partner to say they have a distaste for the concept of complaining as an outlet, therefore their partner must take efforts to not use that mode of expression anymore. I have found that naming the content of the conversation can take some of the anxiety away Yikes, that sounds like an awful day. The first thing that jumped out at me in this letter was the need for you and your partner to communicate more clearly and openly with each other! He was holding on for retirement7 years down the road! I would second (or third, or whatever number were up to at this point) the your ten minutes starts now idea, and then, when the ten minutes are up, if shes still going, you can leave. I know that doesnt always come naturally to some people, and it might feel a bit pointless. This is why a hallmark of most strong relationships is a couple texting or messaging each other randomly throughout the day. gossip!"). Or the opposite! Im glad his kindly-worded observation helped you see what you needed to do. Reader, I did.). I still had complaints that we discussed, but it *was* actual discussion rather than a rant and we would naturally move on to other topics after a few minutes. When you happen to be in a conversation with a woman, who is not going to stop talking at least for an hour, tell her you are busy right now and youll get back to her. What may help is suggesting journaling after work. Also its probably time for a new job for her. She might even tell you that she loves you, but remember, actions dont lie! But Im with OP, I just cant listen to it constantly. ", We spend so little time with our families why waste it ranting about work? I suck it up because my mom usually limits it to one story. We really stirred each other up about how stupid everyone else was or looked or acted. Try this technique with your MIL, mentioned in a thread above (which I have also used with great success): I hear you, that sounds hard what are you planning to do about it?. It might be a good read for the OP. The ultimate solution for me was to find another job and for me that meant a move out of state (to a lower cost of living area) and a much less stressful job. Leaving isnt an option, so managing the built-up steam really is important! You cant shop without telling somebody what you want, nor yell at the gas company without parting your lips. Id need to take a huge pay/benefits cut to do something else, which we cant afford. Go on a walk. New rule! There are times when I hear complaints from people, and my thoughts are, Shove it down and bury it like a grown-up! Im half-joking when I think that but it also points to a very real issue of not wanting to let things out, which can be just as bad as letting too much out. I do not, of course, mind when a friend seeks to talk through his or her problems; I hope I am, as the saying goes, there for them as I know they. Side note, I think walking and talking also works well because youre usually side by side and theres that idea of the best way to talk to someone: sitting straight across a table from each other can feel adversarial, side by side feels less intimidating, and sitting at ninety degrees is a good compromise- close enough to talk but you can also look out straight and not at the other person. If its just work, she likely needs a new job. Sad to say but I have distanced myself from her over the last year or so. Remember pulling in the same direction and reaching goals- big goals, little goals, medium goals? In just a few minutes, you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation. I needed a new job. If you havent heard of Relationship Hero before, its a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations. You want them to get that raise at work or complete that marathon. I find it super annoying, but hes my partner and he deserves my ear. My mom spent 20 years in a dysfunctional government office where she was overworked and underappreciated. He would launch into a diatribe about how stupid and toxic his coworkers and management was. I ended up crying one day and asking them to stop talking about workthey were kind of confused but did. Good luck! It can be even less structured than that. Or if their wife is really struggling with this particular job, I agree its worth checking if a change of career is a good idea. I just dont react to it anymore- or at least not as often or as deeply. Your girlfriend or wife constantly checks in on you. And let me be clear in saying that it is my wife who does the complaining. You respect what your partner has to say and you listen to them when they talk. Sure, some days are just really miserable where you need to vent; thats normal. *sigh*, And now I realize this entire comment is a complaint. Shes found new ways to diminish your self-confidence and hit out on you, and almost seems to relish in the opportunity to criticize you whenever she gets the chance. I dont know whether its the fresh air, the possibility of neighbors within earshot but even his complaints arent as bad? If I just brainstorm as many positive things I can, however miniscule, it sometimes shifts my mindset enough to reset it to positive. Were living in stressful times and hearing other people complain can definitely add to the stress. Before you jump into conversation take a serious, hard look at what it is like to be your wife. I dont think he realised the duration and frequency himself. If so, then have you tried being very clear that youre willing to discuss these issues when they are from the perspective of: How do we improve this situation? (You mention that you wife feels this is not a time to talk through it, but its hard to tell from your letter if/how much youve pushed back on this.) So I turned to that for my outlet. Except my issues are with management not customers. There needs to be reciprocity, and each spouse needs to have other sources of support. My exs constant complaining was one of the things that broke up our marriage. "Be guided by each other and find middle ground," Kurimbokus advises. However, if you work customer-facing all day (as I do, and as it sounds like OPs wife does), being on all day is exhausting and can easily lead to this pent up frustration that has to go somewhere. Finish your dinner in the basement, or on the back porch, or in your car. Perhaps she got sick of the half-hearted apologies on your end, and started in turn replying with half-hearted acts of forgiveness. Not just you. I cant continue our current pattern of vent sessions, because it is creating too much stress for me, but Id be love to do something that makes things better for us both and takes a load off your shoulders. Its a lot to expect any friend or family member to be the sole outlet for stress and frustration. So a friend of mine married a good guy. I also tried to be more mindful of which topics were particularly draining for him and approach those differently maybe giving a summary once or allowing myself to talk about it for a few minutes and then just saying work stuff or nothing new, just frustrated if the same problems kept coming up, or saying probably not something that you want to hear about right now so that if he had the energy to talk about it with me, he could encourage me to go ahead, but if he didnt, he could avoid it without me feeling like he was trying to shut me down. We all have our own flaws, issues, and insecurities; things we wish we didnt have to deal with. Anybody can say they love you, but behavior doesnt lie. There was a long long silence on the phone before she said goodbye. . Do you know? He hasnt really complained about my venting, but I know he probably doesnt want to hear it. If he is going on a bit of a negative rant for a bit too long, I say now say something positive and hes forced to find one positive thing to say, however random it may be. So now the big things have to wait until after the kids are in bed, which means I need to prioritize what is the most important thing to get off my chest. For all the world as if the poor sap on the other end either needed or wanted to know. Especially thanks to COVID, people just have less going on with their day. Like, oh, youre giving me permission to use my time as I see fit? Again not as a threat, but to protect your mental health. The individuals in the relationship need to work out the balance that works for them. I dont have a great script for broaching the idea to her, but as someone who used to complain a lot and got sick of being a whiny negative person and resolved to fix it (I am still a work in progress), this is one thing that I have found helps reframe your day from ughhhhhh all these THINGS happened to hunting around picking roses and remembering to be excited about things. Dont make it about how she should manage her stress. But also, yeah, if shes ranting and venting every day, I have to wonder if this job is terribly good for her mental health. You never have a conversation with her, youre just an audience. I honestly wish her the best. I felt like I was awash in gloom, and since none of them whined *too* too much individually to me, it was hard to justify asking any one of them to dial back. Nobody is perfect and no relationship is easy all the time, but I know if my husband told me how unhappy I was making him with my negativity, Id do whatever I could to remedy the situation. My partner and I dealt with this exact issue during the past year. So I just went into my room, because my living room was no longer a quiet place. When was the last time she showed any kind of remorse for hurting your feelings, for insulting or diminishing you? Would it help if it was phrased differently? Babe. He needs to find a way to tell her what he needs without this level of raw emotion. I kept hoping it would get better, even though it was only getting worse and worse. After several weeks off work sick he went back and threw himself into job hunting. Literally not internet-diagnosing, just sharing my situation: He has poorly-treated ADHD and his brain receives needed stimulation from his complaints and outrage, and well, actual rage. But this is your wife were talking about. During the most miserable/stressful times at my previous jobs, I found it really helpful to have an hour or so to decompress and take my mind off work before going home. We do apples and onions what was good, what was not so good about your day. And yes, solutions instead of complaining can be great a new job, a new compliant format (time limited, with a healthy walk, etc). You: Wow, that sounds stressful. You may want to encourage her to speak up at work when something bothers her. Hobbies outside of work (both together and individually) Im currently in a relationship with a habitual complainer, so Im going to go back through the comments to see what advice I can learn. If you need to find a way to vent somewhere, put it in a diary or a journal or something offline and password protected. Not that no one should ever complain about anything, but theres value in knowing your audience and picking your battles. I think having me lay it all out like that kind of clicked in his mind especially the fact that Id taken note of the time he spent on these rants. With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences. Talk about it in a more constructive manner with a suggestion at a solution (10 minutes before or after dinner, maybe? Now listen, as if you have any choice in the matter, to a woman on the same train. Still fake smiling and pushing all the bullshit down deep inside me so that no one else has to deal with it. All the latest breaking UK and world news with in-depth comment and analysis, pictures and videos from MailOnline and the Daily Mail. Goes to college and works like a responsible young adult. We are just talking about socks here. But, while it is true that there is a fine line between venting and dwelling on the negative, I would urge OP to consider that they are not their wifes parent, and do not need to tell their wife where that line is for her. It seems to work ok for both of us :). But still kept that job and complained about it to anyone who would listen. Louise Jackson JavaScript is disabled. Or both! Yeeeeh, no. She has to be willing to change that herself. And I ask over dinner or post-kids, Can I tell you something that happened at work? He says no sometimes, and Im okay with that because hes generally supportive. If someone says they value you, but their actions indicate otherwise, trust their behavior.. It really improved our marriage, to be honest. Share the venting around? When we say of a man that he is the strong and silent type we usually mean it as a compliment. If you buy them, we receive a small commission from that sale. It got to the point that my husband told me I should seriously consider quitting my job- my negativity was affecting our relationship and my mental health. Big fan of are you looking for advice, or do you just need to vent? Works great with pretty much all topics of venting. And the things you complain about are things you cant change. But these days she never talks to you at all. You could see the pain in your wifes eyes and the anger in your heart would disappear immediately because you knew there was nothing more important than apologizing for what you just said. If not, a direct conversation or series of conversations about that could possibly help, or maybe some therapy. update: I work at Twitter what do I do? He [a bunch of details, which could certainly be very rude of Jonas]. WebThe empty string is a legitimate string, upon which most string operations should work. Theres participation in a marriage then there is QUALITY/meaningful participation in a marriage. I would like to add that if this has become a problem since COVID, then there may be more than just work to it and if you can help her reconnect with some of her pre COVID support system it could really help her manage the stress of the last couple of years as well as taking the pressure off LW as the only person she is venting to. He got angry at me and then he got really sad and felt guilty and awful and cried (a lot. It stressed me out mostly because it felt like it came up around every corner. Two hundred fifty years of slavery. Try to meet her in the middle. My hubby has expressed before it can be too much and I try to dial it back. OP, your wife does need a place to vent about her day, but nothing says that place needs to be your dinner table every day with you as the sole audience. Like other than finding a new job, what can she do? Recommended reading:8 reasons why your girlfriend isnt respecting you (and 7 things you can do about it). I find that when my depression bites, everything is annoying, even trivial things such as Jane took my pen. Because 1) they had no power, and 2) I didnt want validation: I wanted change. Yep but Im not doing it in a vacuum. OP, I think there are some great ideas here. It's time to restore some work-life balance, Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, And relax nightly gut-spilling about work is tantamount to a fixation. Yes, exactly. News from San Diego's North County, covering Oceanside, Escondido, Encinitas, Vista, San Marcos, Solana Beach, Del Mar and Fallbrook. The average woman clocks up 20,000 spoken words every day, against the paltry male score of 7,000; she speaks more quickly than he does, devotes more of her brainpower to doing so and actually gets a buzz from the sound, According to one American researcher, Dr Louann Brizendine, the reason for our garrulousness can be found in scientific study. It could be that she doesnt agree with your lifes priorities, and thats fine, but you definitely need to have a talk with her about it. While I might think Im shielding others from negativity when doing that, what Im actually doing is hiding how I feel and missing an occasion to be seen and understood (AKA to connect emotionally). If the timer goes off (sometimes they finish before that! You cant unload all of your daily frustrations on your partner all the time without it affecting them negatively as well. Yes, it can be incredibly difficult to be on the receiving end of the constant complaining and negativity. What Im not seeing in the commenters letter is how hes contributing to the conversation. But her venting and complaining may be just what she needs to process her day. And unfortunately, her mind isnt where it should be: on her husband. These days her apologies have stopped being apologies; just her dropping the fight and pretending it never happened. single. My guess is that she has no idea if, like me, doesnt mind a good moan when shes on the receiving end too. Last Updated December 1, 2022, 7:01 am, by He was hesitant to see a therapist, but we found someone who did executive coaching and it was a life changer. Another note, you claim that your wife is pleasant with her coworkers and customers, but is she really? I can say whatever I please and no one is really gonna listen. So if suddenly you arent receiving any texts from your wife, then that might be an unfortunate indicator that she doesnt love you. You cant manage her emotions; she is fully in charge of them. (And almost all of us do it to some extent) But theres actually a lot of psychological research that shows that it leads to increased negative feelings and stress overall. For example: Wife: Ugh, Jane was late finishing her part the Solid Caramel Teapot Report again, and I had to rush to put everything together. I get the value in redirection of energy without laying it out as an exercise, but think reception of this depends a lot on whether she generally thinks there is anything positive or to be proud of at all there. I have also tried the Okay, youve just spent 10 minutes b*tching about Subject that actually doesnt really affect you in any way, now list 3 good things but as hes a grown-a$$ adult, that only goes so far. And absolutely make a rule that dinner time is pleasant and not a time to whine at your partner. I wonder if it would be helpful to her to journal (it might be too slow, so maybe not) or vent to a nanny cam or something else where she needs to just get it out of her body, but you arent the recipient. As a recovering complainer, I really like this idea! But if she cant naturally spark up when youre talking to a gorgeous lady, then thats a bad sign that she may be falling out of love with you. Emma Wimhurst, entrepreneur and author of business book Boom!, thinks not. We have agreed that simply saying Im full to the other means that no more venting/complaining is allowed that day, the recipients limit has been reached. Or, was your a-hole boss better today?Because you know the answer. Please dont be too hard on yourself! I have felt stressed out and overwhelmed for longer than I care to admit, and people issues at work are a big part of that. I have to do this now. Its exhausting and what is really sad is his family just doesnt listen to him. She can read, watch trash TV, play games, take a nap, make a cup of her favourite beverage along with a little snack. As if we couldnt figure this out on our own, the author concluded that organizations, wary of sexual harassment issues, frown on Valentines gift-giving to office spouses, and that real spouses may not understand the giving of Valentine's gifts to an office spouse. Its the Thursday ask the readers question. She works in healthcare so its been really hard for her lately. Hes a complainer and a verbal processor, and with covid and both of us being stuck at home there arent really many outlets. We have friends who have been in a similar boat where one member of the couple said if he could help he would listen to his wifes complaints, but if it was just day after day ranting for no other reason than to let off steam, then he couldnt do that. First, lets make one thing clear: just because your partner is exhibiting a couple of the behaviors that I just talked about doesnt mean that they definitely dont love you. You know how flood waters come into an area and just fill in all the empty spots? If the only thing that happened between seeing your wife in the morning and seeing her in the evening is work (and work is bad), if she doesnt talk about work, what else can she talk about? How was the left over linguine for lunch? How was [co-worker or client she likes] today? If shes just a talker, which is what I am, she will happily start discussing the positive things that youve talked about. A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. I had this issue with my boyfriend (whom I live with) last year. Then she got married and her husband told me it was driving him nuts. Theyve since gotten a new job, thank goodness, so things are better. Things like a car way up ahead on the road didnt turn onto the road in the exact manner of which he approves hell rant about that for several blocks! The survival of our species has owed much to the facility of the nurturing woman not only to empathise with the troubled young, old or sick. It really helps around the supper table. Captain Awkward had something about this on her site a while ago. 2 people getting sucked into negativity is not productive. If they were actually engaged with you and having a conversation, youd be getting to say things too and would be enjoying it OR theyd see you getting bored and over it . Pops was wise enough not to offer up suggestions or remedies. I either sink into their gloom, or become so chirpy that I dont recognize myself. And your wife used to love doing this with you catching up with you at random points throughout the day, asking about work, reminding you about this or that, and so on. It took a while because I was being very picky, but I did get a new job that was much, much better. Loving Wives 12/09/20: Quarantine - has a Silver Lining: 2 Part Series: Quarantine - has a Silver Lining (4.52) Quarantined in mixed dormitories. My spouse does this, and rather than treat them like a child (ok sweetie I am starting a timer now, better make sure youre done in ten minutes! 10/10 would recommend but tread lightly when suggesting therapy to your partner! I used to live with a nurse, and she had to do the 15-minute dump every day when she came home. Its definitely not the right pick for someone suffering from something more serious that needs a real therapist, but it was perfect for what I was going through and it helped me a lot. Over the following weekend, ask her to play it back in full, alone. Nor that you should become a complainer. But in the less rarefied social climate of the real world, there is no such even playing field. November 14, 2022, 12:05 pm, by I thought I was doing a good bit of work by making sure they were correctly paired. She didnt! Venting is productive to a point, but past that it can actually have negative effects on mental health, undoing the positive that it can do in short bursts. Does she have other options? Guys have fun with sleeping wife. Its not clear from the letter whether this wife works from home and that could be an issue? Funny, I was thinking of my ex too. You also dont mention the industry shes in. And I generally stuck to the time limit, then took a few deep breaths and moved on. If yes, take that serious and offer to be supportive in making that happen in any way you can. On the other, I can hear it said kind of dismissively. I did mine on the computer, and I would just sit down and type until I had purged it and I could move on with my day. I suck it up because my mom usually limits it to one story. My partner rarely complains about work, he lets most things roll off him and I think I went into hyper-drive complaining during the pandemic because we were spending so much time together. It is EXHAUSTING. I honestly think she just needs to make a change or find a different outlet (like a journalwhen I write things down it puts them in perspective). If you agree to listen to someone venting, one thing that works well is to answer with a compliment. Youre judging your wife because she likes to complain and you think thats wrong. and asking to get taken off projects that are causing the most stress (not successful :( but he tried). And honestly it really didnt sound that bad of a job. He now keeps a lot more to himself, which may not be great for his own mental health but he knows how to make a counseling appointment if he needs it. If you can be firm about steering the conversation away from complaining and toward discussing actionable steps, that could be helpful in the long run to help your wife see how to get out of a job that is overwhelming her every day. Play board games or video games, watch a movie, plan a hike, do a puzzle. A new survey from the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM), found that 25% of workers have had a work wife or work husband. You have choices, and so does she; she can choose to reach out to a professional to complain, or call a friend or relative, or scream into a pillow, but shes choosing you and only you. Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. Perhaps joining a gym where she can release some pent up energy might help. You can say on the one hand, that someone controls these reactions all day long for the sake of coworkers, so they should do at least that much for their partner in life. And hes not taking classes over the summer, so well have a break where school is off his plate. I wish you both luck in finding a new level of understanding and peace! I can believe that. Honestly you could make bank off of this. Its about enforcing your boundaries. You & I were typing at the same time, and you did a better job of expressing this than I did. Double check and be prepared for surprises. Weeklong all zoom conference with minimal breaks? We have a 10 minute how was your day slot in the evenings then we play co-operative games on the computer. I think if venting were done with a goal of brainstorming solutions to problems it can serve a purpose but otherwise, it sure seems to just prolong the negativity. Ask her to as well. I worked customer service where I spent eight hours a day being sworn at, had things thrown at me, followed to my car after work, sexually harassed by customers and coworkers, and had to deal with it all with a big ole fake smile on my face. 100%. While I might think Im shielding others from negativity when doing that, what Im actually doing is hiding how I feel and missing an occasion to be seen and understood (AKA to connect emotionally).. Also consider some counselling for yourself, this is not easy to handle on your own. But now you cant even remember the last time she checked in on you, unprompted. With my partner, I try to say something like I can listen if you need to vent, but I cant listen for a super-long amount of time. Then, I set a 20-minute timer on my phone. I will be pope next. O wife, wife! said he, how can you be pope? But it is causing you stress. While not quite as foreboding, my advice runs a similar vein. I needed alone- time for an hour, then we could rant for a set time, and DEFINITELY not at dinner! Women dont always want to necessarily take care of their husbands, but when they love you, they do. Sometimes its about petty stuff, sure, but just because someone else has it worse or its not nice doesnt mean it needs to be completely shut down. thats how good empathetic two way type conversations work. I also need to process stuff aloud, and my husband and I generally do walks/errands/outdoor time after work which serves as the bulk of our venting time (for both of us, but mostly me. My spouse is a mellow guy, but he finally said Enough! Ick. "That's why I don't think it's good to share," she admits. But what I have found also works is journaling. Sharing your working life with your partner can give you perspective, reassurance and a chance to offload, but banging on and on and on about the minutiae long after the working day is over can be counter productive. OP has a chill job and seems to have a different personality type when dealing with stress. This highlights an important caveat my partner and I have found were both much more receptive to venting about something that we know is temporary. Then you can keep talking about how well they handled it. This is a great example of why complaining is never a good idea. Third, if things are this bad with her job, it might be time for her to start seriously planning to make a change. It can also provide a bonding thing, and a distracting from work stress. Stuff I normally would have forgotten in a few minutes was now being collected and stored for days. 3. Why do you want to stay there with all these problems?. The result is that we don't talk about the bad parts unless they have real meaning to us," she says. Time to find a new one. It worked better than expected. Were living in stressful times and hearing other people complain can definitely add to the stress. What's most problematic about the work spouse label, is that labels can be self-fulfilling. With so many little speed bumps along the way, its vital for a relationship to have two people who are ready to compromise and apologize. Make your home its your HOME! Things have improved! (obligatory-not-everyone-can-gym-but-figure-it-out). Then when the situation actually presented itself, what she had anticipated didnt happen. I wonder if its only the job OPs wife complains about, or if its everything, all the time. So what am I going to do? And the reason I try whenever possible to sit beside a man on a long-haul flight is that, I am sorry to say, it is far, far rarer for a man so to, The third obvious culprit to blame for the current explosion of needless chatter, especially that concerning what is intimate and should properly stay that way, is the grotesque cult of. Does she see a therapist? You could kind of combine this idea with everyone elses suggestion of setting a timer on the complaints. I was also recently told that negativity is a stage of dementia. I do not suggest for a moment that we chuck out the baby with the bathwater. My husband being more involved in the conversation- really hearing and validating my experience, and also actively bringing up other topics besides work. Save up to 50% on Pets when you shop now. We did at one point decide during the toxic job years to limit the time allowed for venting. A phrase I have used to handle this kind of situation: I understand that you need to talk about this, but Im not the right audience to hear it.. You think about what they may be doing, whether theyve eaten or not, whether they need you for anything at all, or how they might be feeling. But lets face it. So, if there is nothing she can change, and the situation leads to more than 15 minutes a day of griping, I would suggest that she might want to evaluate whether she should look for a new place that didnt stress her out so much. Sometimes theyre angry for no logical reason, and other times, they are as happy as Larry. Years ago I came across the concept of Rose, Bud, Thorn, a thinking exercise where you sum up the day by picking out the rose (the highlight of the day, like positive feedback or something), the thorn (the worst thing that happened, like John was being a smarmy jackass in the Widgets meeting again), and the bud (something youre excited about). As Allison suggested, it would be beneficial to set a limit to her venting time. That change may actually dramatically shorten these conversations, because she wont feel like she needs to convince you that it really is as bad as she is saying. can be confusing and frustrating. According toSusan Trombetti, So many times we see partners putting priorities in front of one another. Ive explained why its taking me so long to actually cut the cord, and that Im also trying to stop venting about it. If she truly is, then maybe she is being forcefully pleasant? Even if you have something as small as a minor headache or you cut yourself while cooking, a loving wife will always be ready to pounce and get the first aid kit. If its not your turn to hate your job, it makes you reframe all of the things youd normally be complaining about. A couple of weeks ago I met up with some work colleagues for dinner we hadnt seen each other in person for months, and of course we launched straight into a rant about our various work woes. He feels done. I didnt want to leave my university, because I have really great benefits here, but I definitely needed to move to another department. What needs to be fixed is that you dont want to listen to it as much as you have been. Id be sitting in my living room, reading the news, and shed come in and start complaining about everything, for at least half an hour or more. Wed take the dog for a walk together after work, Id get everything out (and so would he during stressful times at his job) and when we got home, we would move on. I used to have a roommate that got home from work ten minutes after I did. I dont/ do need help with solutions.. Youre not in her mind anymore whenever she doesnt need to think about you, and shes more than happy to go through an entire day without thinking or caring about your needs. 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